lawak loyar

di-baca, di-kopi dan di-tampal oleh kasut-gombak
____________ _________ _________ ________

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He s aid, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

disaster traning version 1.0

tahniah utk korang sbb korang kini bergelar pekok!

haha.

bes mmg bes, tp xckup mencabar la.

melainkan part kna rendam dlm air kol 4 pagi.

sejuk bangat.

tp aku xkna pon.

selamat baju aku xbasah.

trimas yang tak terhingga utk sume staf yayasan salam malaysia yang bertungkus lumus menjayakan kem ni.

korang2 sume bes.

ps: fuyoo,korang dh jd disaster relief worker. gempak tuh!

pagi yang gelap

pian HR anta notis suh aku benti keje kt aku. siap ckp xlayak jd spartan 300!

trketar2 tgn aku baca surat tu.

ape aku nak wat.

pagi ku yang gelap.

huhu.

tiba2 satu sinaran yang amat terang menerangi diriku.

UFO?

aku dgr bunyik tapak kaki, n satu laungan yang amat kuat.

woit, bngun dol.. kol 7 dah!nk subuh gajah lg ke?

aku palingkan muka,

nmpk bee terkedek2 bwk towel g bilik air.

cess, mimpi je td rupenye!

pagiku yang gelap td sudah terang.

hehe.

ps: tgh tggu kol, emel, or kelibat pian turun tgkt 12.mane tau betul2 jd.mampos.

so long min!!

arini kitorg g makan2, sbb min last day dah kat xybase nih.

ilang lg sorg.

huhu.

min, igt pesan aku nih.

jage diri elok2 kt tmpt org tuh.jln depan org lg tua jgn lupe tunduk hormat tau. klu brsalam ngn org tu cium tgn. gelak tu jgn kuat sgt, nnti makcik2 yg keje kt ctu rijek ko jd calon menantu. sengeh2 kerang busuk udah ler. jgn paw biskut org suke2 ati. tp klu diorg makan k-ef-si (kfc laa), jgn tggu. rembat je.huhu.

aku xde lak gmbr si min neh. aku ade gmbr ibu jari dia je dgn cincin di jari same mcm mama dia. gmbr lain bkn xde, tp sume gmbr dia tgh tido. gmbr ni je la paling berhemah yg aku ade.huhu.

so long!

makan o makan

i'm havin my brekfes @ raju. pastu lunch kat carl's jr

tea time- big apple!

for dinner?roti spiderman and mango-ice blended @ SS2 murnigile nikmat klu hidup cmni ari2.huhu

ps: makan untuk hidup.

KONVO @ UTM

yesterday was my kembar punye konvo lar.

cuti sudah abes, so aku pon memontengkan diri dari menghadirkan diri ke tmpt keje.

dah tu, dia konvo ari isenin. memangle menyusahkan.

selain aku yang trpaksa ponteng keje dgn ikhlas.

adik aku yang 2 org (kembar gak tau) pon dgn hepi-sukarela-hati x p sekolah.

nenek aku yang xde koje tu pon sanggup tgglkn tv ngn astro kt kg semata-mata nk g johor.

mak aku pon trpaksa tinggalkn molly (kucenku) yang tgh sarat tu. sape la nk jadi bidan. cian molly.

makcik aku yg xde kaitan dgn ini gambar pon amek cuti gak, sbb nk masak utk kitorg.

kan senang klu smlm tu di isytihar cuti umum. xde la kitorg susah2 kna cuti.

kn?

huhuhu.

it is more than "aiman tak kesah"

for more info, log on to www.salam.org.my

oops, i did it again!

is it a porno site?

aku nk tgk cmne nk putihkn gigi pki photoshop la..

itu pon nk kna block.

mmg ngok ngek.

uwaaa!!!!

cerita menyayat hati di rumah no 109

pagi2 aku bngun aku dgr ade sore baby nanges.

aku turun kt bwh.

bunyi tu makin dekat, tp aku xnmpk ape pong. (lampu xbukak daa, jimat letrik. bkn korg pn byr bil umah aku).

bunyik lg. apekah?

aku dgr bunyi nye cm dekat sgt.

tp aku wat bodo je, bek aku p mandi. dh la lmbt bngun. ( alasan, tiap2 ari pon bngun kol 7 jgak. mcm xbiase subuh gajah.erk~)

aku nek atas, siap2, aku trun bwh ( dh cerah sket) , bru la aku nmpk baby tu dok kebil2 tgk aku. trkejut mak tau! itam giler, harap mate je puteh. padan pon xnmpk td. hampeh, patutla nanges. kena kurung dlm sangkar. sape la kejam giler ni, trgamak kurung baby2. aku pon kuarkn 2-2 baby tu, cyg2 ye, bau hancing-kes pampers xtukar (abes melekat kt baju aku bau tu, trpaksa sembur eu de toilette bnyk2), pujuk2 jgn nanges.

mcm kembar. 2-2 sama. rambut lebat giler, itam, cntek. aku dh lmbt ni nk g keje. cmne ni ngn baby2 ni. sape nk jaga?nk kna repot polis ke?

aku pon nek atas, aku pggil bee (roomate aku daa..). aku bgtau la dia aku jmpa baby kt bwh, jom kite g repot polis dlu. ade kes pnderaan baby, siap kurung dlm sangkar lg tu. sapekah punye angke-ra. huhu.

ikuti perbualan aku dan bee..

aku : bee, aku jmpa baby! ade org letak dlm umah.
dia : aku amek tu.

aku : ko amek anak sape?tipu2.xleh jd ni.jom repot polis..
dia : ape kejadahnye nk repot. bz bodi la ko.

aku : ala bee, abes tu xkn nk snyap je. ntah2 mak diorg tgh risau tu. sape xsyg anak oii..!
dia : baby tu aku amek la. mak dia xkesah. anak dh 8. tu hah, bunting lg.keje beranak je. bek aku amek, lg bagus.."

aku : tp ko kurung dia. xbek tau..

dia : abes, ko nk diorg kencing berak merata2. sape nk basuh?
aku : ala, pki la pampers. xnk pampers pon, (drypers usah ckp, lg xmampu) mungkin ko leh beli 'lampin pakai buang bayi' yg murah2 cap giant.

dia: dh la nakal, brlari cna cni. nnti abes brg kt dapur tu diorg selongkar.
aku: diorg brtatih pon lom. bru merangkak. brlari apenya..

dia : ape kes ko ni?
aku : aku xsangka bee, selama ni aku knal ko, aku xtau ko sekejam ini. aku igt ko seorg yg brtggungjwb, tp tidak. mengundi pon tidak, dftar pemilih pon xpernah. harap keje je besar, huh. skang ni terbukti ko mmg xde sifat brtggjwb. tgk skang ko kurung baby lak...astaghfirullah..
dia : ye, mmg aku kejam. aku potong ayam, kerat 8 tau. klu ko nk, aku leh kerat 40.kalah mona fandey..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..

aku: bwk mengucap bee. mengucap bnyk. igt Allah.
dia : wei, apesal ko emo ni. psl bdk 2 ekor tu pon ko nak bising. dh2 pi keje tu.

aku memalingkan muka, terus kuar dr bilik. xsanggup aku tggl di neraka dunia itu!

smpi kt bwh, aku bukak sangkar tu, aku angkat 2-2 baby tu, aku bgtau dia aku akn mmbebaskn diorg dr kezaliman dan ketidak-adilan itu. aku nk g repot polis!

seolah2 memahami, baby2 tu pon mnjwb.

" MeoW..MeoW.. "

erk~

ps: no komen.
ini la baby 2 -ekor tuh. itam legam, mane la aku nk nmpk. cian kna kurung.

aku adikmu..~

dan engkau abang..~

ps : pagi2 dh bengong.mengenangkn ketidak-stabilan otakku utk stat wat keje di pg hari, aku pon lukis la sbg terapi utk membebaskan neurotransmitter yg trsumbat antara sel2 saraf aku.

hasta manana harina

sapekah?

o. ni la harina.

smlm last day harina kt xybase. dia ni test engineer utk team arb. pendek kata dia org yang akn cari salah kitorg je.huhuhu. so kitorg pi la mkn kat kedai mek siam tu. xde la dia blanje kitorg pon. mkn sndri byr sndri la beb (ceh, kopak poket aku). ni la kedainye.

mahal siot. stakat makan nasi ngn telur dadar pon smpi berbelas hingget. kedai siam je, tp nama2 makanan dia glamer nyah. nasi ngn telor dadar pon tukar jadi chicken omelet with rice. klu taruk nama nasi rakthai chulalongkorn pon okes ape.--->kes berkire, uhuk!

seb bek ade org lanje secret recipe.

k la kepada harina, selamat hari jadi (utk yg akn2 dtg la, hehehe). cian dia, wiken pon kena keje smpi xde masa nk spent ngn anak.huhuhu. ni la gmbr terakhir brsama ngn dia (sebok aje bdk2 team ag tu.huh..!). selamat bekerja kt tmpt baru yg leh balik kol 5 ptg, kn 1 pg mcm kt xybase ni!huhu.

annyeonghi kasebseyo!

ps: sbb makan bnyk sgt smlm, trpaksa aku pose arini.

art-of-the-day

dicetak-rompak oleh kasut-gombak ttp mggunakan kaedah berlainan daripada copy-and-paste iaitu, tgk-tiru-lukis.

Being Tagged!!

1. The song you’ve been most singing to yourself recently?
kotak hati by hujan.

2. What do you currently want right now?
switch off the ekon..and i want to meet ' awak ' if i got a chance.

3. What did you do today?
it's 9. juz finished my brekfes lol. havent start anything yet.

4. What have you been thinking about most today?
nk cabut dr ofis kol bape ni.. nk balik kg!

5. Do you ever just sit outside and watch the stars?
ada..ada..

6. What is your current annoyance?
iklan BN..

7. Do you want a new cell phone?
nope. setia pada yang satu.

8. Are you waiting for someone right now?
nope.

9. Name two things you’re looking forward for next week?
sama ngn kak ina. tuisyen kat rumah shifa' ngn belajar, menyanyi dan bermain kt rumah solehah!

10. Can you make new friends easily?
o, can can..

11. Do you plan out what you wear the day before you wear it?
yap, i did.

12. What is life to you?
if i can wake up in the morning, and still alive till the end of the day, dat is what i call it a life..

13. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?
hmm, hmm, hmm, ade!

14. If you had a chance to save someone significant to you, would you?
mesti la.

15. How many times do you eat each day?
1 times, eh nope. 2 times 5 equal to 10.. opps..sorry, the time is running out.

16. How do you cheer someone up?
lawak bodoh, or with 'mungkin??'

17. Are you a morning person?
weekdays, of cos. weekend?sori la..

18. Is it easier for you to fall asleep or to be woken?
easier to fall asleep, and it was harder to fall asleep again, if someone wakes me up..

19. Think of one person, stick with it. You don’t have to say their name. Would you pick them up alone 100 plus miles away if it was your birthday?
no, but i'll fly to him..

20. Give two reasons why you get distracted in work.
ekon and 'mama!'

21. Do you think it’s funny when people get hurt?
nope.

22. Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris?
paris.it's nearer to UK.huhu..

23. Do you have a guitar in your house?
nehi hae..

24. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
nope.

25. How often do you get onto friendster?
once in a blue moon.

26. How long can you go without your mobile phone?
5min.

27. Where’s your mobile phone?
on my left side of my kibod.

bosan tahap gaban

buhsanNnye arini.

nany mc. xde dia mcm xlengkap je hidup ni.

huhuhu.

ye la, xde org nk frwd2 emel.

xde org nk gosip2.

nk g surau pn sorg2.

xde teman nk brekfes.

xde org nk vypress2 ngn aku.

si jai p amek ofer letter kt mid. huhu. ofis bru dia ada cubicle 4 dinding (spt yg diceriterakan, kecoh =p)

si min lak, hmm ape kes ntah asyik masuk tghri jerk.

si shafiq, sebok ngn cinta hati baru.huhuhu.

seb bek la ade pc ni peneman setia.

dh la bru kol 11.30am, lmbt lg kol 5.30pm.

ps:aku rase cm dh duduk 48jam kt ofis.
apekah????

3 more days..

xsabo aku nk tggu 8hb.

bkn ape pn,

aku nak balik kg.

bkn ape pn,

kwn2 aku sume balik kg.

sbb tu aku excited.

korg igt aku xsabo nk ngundi ke?

hmm, xde maknanye..

tp tu la, tggjwb kna tunaikn.

aku sbnornye nyampah ngn pilihanraya ni.

semak tau mate aku tgk poster gantung ctu cna cni,

sakit tinge aku dgr kempen ctu cna cni,

malas aku nak bace paper, kutuk ctu cna cni,

pd pendapat korg kn, poster2 yg diorg dok gantung kt tiang letrik, pagar2, pokok2 tu leh ke mmpengaruhi undi korg? dh la mencemarkn pemandangan, bergulung2 poster tu sbb kna tiup angin ngn kna ujan.huhu.

klu bilik gerakan tu toksah ckp la, penuh ngn lambang parti. agaknye kn, klu la poster2 tu leh trgantung di awangan, kmfirm pnuh langit malaysia ni.

klu tgk bulan tu mcm ok la gak kn, ade la relevannye bulan kt langit,terang je. roket pn ok lg la-soyuz tu tgh g ISS. klu bulan pecah 2, kna bertobat la tu, klu lmbg dacing~korg pk2 la amalan korg kt dunia ni, dunia nk kiamat dh!hehehe..

ntah la, aku rase iklan2 kt tv, paper, poster2, kempen2 tu xde maknenya. sikit pn x brjya mmpsikokn aku nk undi sape.

aku pn xtau la kerajaan mana yg akn memerintah negeriku yg hadhari. korg fhm2 je la, susah tau ngn bnda2 yg ade had ikut hari ni. aku rase bulan mengambang kot utk penggal kali ni. ntah la, susah gak nk predict. ade dwet mcm2 leh buat.

do u have whatever it takes to be Malaysian next top PM?

erk~

"..Harapan Baru Untuk Malaysia
Undilah Untuk Malaysia
Menuju ke arah Negara Berkebajikan.."

huhu

ps: thx for the LPT- 2jam stgh je aku dh smpi kg.

makan

makan..

makan..

makan..

makan..

borak..

makan lagi..(lauk spital ni)

makan dan makan lagi..

borak dan borak lagi..

dah licin?

dah jilat jari?

dah abes?

so ape lg?

kenyang perot mate pn ngantok..

tido la jwbnye..

zzzz..

zzz..

nk tgk ape lg? tamat dah.

ps: xde keje, xde subjek, xde objek nk citer.huhu.

kerdil

credit to : saharil

rawak

ada sesuatu yang mengganggu fikiran.

aku xdpt pk, bkn xdpt pk pn, cuma takut nak pk..

dari minggu lepas lagi aku rasa cmni.

benda nya xpasti pn,

sies aku xpasti apa yang aku pk

tp aku rasa trganggu

bnda tu buat aku jd kusut!

sbb tu aku asyik nak makan je kot.

hmm

gemuk dah!

ps: tgh gigit kuku ibu jari.
erk~mmg tahap kronik dh ni. sbb aku bukan jenis gigit jari.
aiyak!

alkisah ali, budin n ciko..huhu

Di sebuah kg ada 3 org remaja yg suka lepak. Sorang tu nama dia Ali, sorang tu Budin dan sorang lagi Ciko. Aktiviti seharian depa ni menybbkan tok imam x senang duduk. Pd satu hari tok imam tu dtg dgn niat nak tarbiyah depa ni. Maka berlakulah bbrp insiden cabar-mencabar.

Tok imam tu cabar si mangkuk 3 ekor tu ke surau waktu Maghrib nnt. Si Ali pun berkata, "Tok imam ingat kami ni jahil sangat ke? Takpa, nnt kami buktikan yg kami bkn la jahil sgt spt yg disangkakan" ..

Maka apb hampir masuk waktu Maghrib pegilah malaun 3 ekor tu ke surau. Tok imam pun suruh Ali azan. Tanpa berlengah terus je Ali azan,"Allah Ta'ala... Allah Ta'ala..." Dgn segera tok imam merampas mikrofon drpd Ali & menyuruh tok bilal azan semula. Terserlah kejahilan Ali.

Selepas iqamat, masa nak sembahyang tok imam pun mengangkat takbiratul ihram. Tok imam pun satu hal, angkat sekali x khusyuk, angkat 2x pun x khusyuk jgk lg.. Masuk je kali ketiga, Budin panggil tok imam. "Tok, tok duduk kat belakang, biar saya jadi imam." Tok imam pun undur le ke belakang.

Budin pun angkat le takbiratul ihram. "Allahu akbar!" Maka para makmum pun ikut angkat takbiratul ihram & memulakan solat. Tiba2 je si Budin ni pusing ke belakang dan berkata, "Aa, tengok! Sekali jee tokkkk!!" lalu batallah solat Budin.. Yg lain2 pun ikut berenti sambil ketawa terbahak2.

Tok imam pun mintak pulak si Ciko jadi imam. Si Ciko pun terus ke depan jadi imam solat tersebut bermula dari takbir sampai le habis sembahyang. Siap dg wirid2nya sekali. Punyalah respek tok imam kat si Ciko niii...

Lepas solat, tok imam pun puji-memuji leee si Ciko ni... Tapi dgn bongkaknye si Ciko berkata, "He hee, itu belum ambil wuduk lagi tu. Kalau tak, lagi dassat aku semayang. He heee...." Tok imam pun terkedu & terpana...

ps: tepuk tgn ramai2, meh..huhu.

no more ym..uwaa..!!

tgh aku rancak chating2 kt imo, tibe2 je dc. aku bukak la balik, ade error. xde network ke?hmm..aku pn malas nk tggu,aku g tapau jap kt lien hoe. balik ofis, aku try la lg bukak imo. tau2 kuar..

ngeh3..kna block rupenya.

mmg botol sunkist tol la..huhu.

abes tu,

aku nk chatting kt mane lak ni??

ada cadangan???

ps: seems like the ISS really did their job, heh?